The Cooper Family Conundrum
by xxchompchompchompxx
Summary: Sheldon and Penny are parents to three very different and often difficult children. Both must try to live in their dysfunctional household whilst trying to keep the spark in their marriage and maintain full time jobs. It's not as easy as it looks and poor Sheldon, well he just seems to keep pulling the short straw...
1. Chapter 1

_**So I decided that I would write a sequel to the Cooper Hofstadter Replacement Theorem after having so may requests! I guess it can be read without reading its predecessor, however Sheldon will probably seem extremely OOC haha hope you enjoy and don't forget to shoot us a review!**_

Penny walked over to the kitchen table and placed a plate in front of her now 16 year old daughter Lilly, who was painting her nails. 'Toast. And Lilly, what have I told you about painting your nails at the table?' she said before turning around to put the juice carton back in the fridge.

'Whatever it was I wasn't listening.' Lilly smirked, going back to continue painting her nails. Penny just rolled her eyes in annoyance; obviously it was going to be one of those days with one of her three hormonal children.

'Mum! Where are my soccer boots?' Stephen, her youngest son, cried walking into the kitchen whilst struggling to do his school uniform tie.

'Where were they when you last had them?' Penny asked and Stephen shrugged.

'On my feet I guess. Can you help me find them...'

'And by help you mean do? What did your last slave die from Stephen? You're 12 years old now, you need to learn to be self sufficient.' Penny said walking towards the kitchen door and then clearing her throat. 'OLLIE BREAKFAST!' she yelled. On the receiving end of her call was her husband of nearly 20 years.

'Congratulations Penny, you've woken up every Oliver in the world,' Sheldon said, kissing his wife's cheek and walking towards Lilly, 'ahh... purple nail polish today. Nice.. it gives you the best I've slammed my fingers in the car door look.'

'Audi or BMW?' Lilly said sarcastically as she waved her hands in order to dry her nail polish faster. As she was doing this Ollie entered the room. 'Morning Ollie.' she smiled. Ollie looked at his younger sibling and blinked twice before mimicking her hand movements.

'Morning Lils.' He said before turning his attention to his father, who had just sat down with a cup of jasmine tea, 'Dad...'

'Nope.' Sheldon said, cutting his eldest son off before he had even started.

'You haven't even heard what I've got to say yet!'

'I don't have to son... I'm already anticipating that it begins with "Can I have".'

'Wrong... it begins with "Can you lend?".' Ollie grinned.

'And they both end with no.' Sheldon said, sipping his tea.

'Aww come on dad... I need to borrow your new laptop.'

'I gave you my old one.'

'It doesn't work.'

'Well neither do you. That makes you compatible.' Sheldon said unamused as a typical Monday morning played out before him. His 18 year old son would be asking for something instead of looking for a job or applying to college, his 16 year old daughter would be rebelling and his 12 year old surprise bundle of joy would be looking for something that he needed just before school.

'So what time am I booking the restaurant for tonight?' Penny asked leaning against the kitchen counter and sipping her own cup of coffee.

'What... you didn't tell me we had plans for tonight.' Sheldon frowned.

'I left a note on the fridge, I got your PA to give you a memo and I even wrote it in lipstick on the bathroom mirror.'

'I need more than hints Penny, you know that.'

Penny looking at him unamused, 'I hope my next husband has more than your sense of humour.' she said taking another swig of coffee from her mug.

'But I've got to look at polymer chain reactions in the lab tonight... why don't we go out tomorrow?'

'Alright,' Penny sighed and Sheldon blinked at his wife.

'Excuse me?'

'I said alright.'

'Stop it.' Sheldon said, holding his hands up, 'Stop playing the guilt trip on me. OK if I don't do this work tonight I might lose the grant and then I can't get funding and there goes part of my income for these next few months.'

'All I said was alright.'

'Stop it Penny... I know you must be really upset but just stop with this guilt thing you've got going on!'

'Sheldon, all I said was alright, I'm really not upset!' Penny cried.

'Mum! Soccer boots!' Stephen yelled, running back into the kitchen.

'Didn't you hear me Stephen? Take more responsibility for your belongings!'

'Hey! Why are you angry with him and not with me?' Sheldon asked and Penny rolled her eyes at her husband.

'Because with Stevie there's still a point.' she smirked and Sheldon threw his hands up in despair and walking out the kitchen. Meanwhile, Oliver pulled out a chair and gestured for his mother to sit down.

'Mum, you know you really are too good for him.' he said.

'I know... but you still can't borrow his laptop.' she said smugly sitting down, to which Ollie let out a huff, 'look if you really need a computer, why don't you borrow Stevie's or better yet; get a job and save up for your own.'

'Effort mum!' Ollie sulked, biting into his toast.

'What are you going to be using it for anyhow.'

'Personal use.' Ollie said, trying to shrug it off but Penny just raised her eyebrow. She knew boys, especially 18 year old hormonal boys.

'You're not going to be using it to chat up girls on the internet again are you? Cause last time that didn't work out so well for you did it.'

'Oh yeah, I remember... it turned out that that Isabella girl was actually some 40 year old man from Colorado.' Lilly snorted.

'Can it Lilly!'

'Bite me Oliver.' Lilly said poking her tongue out at her brother.

'Both of you stop it.' Penny sighed.

'Besides,' Ollie sighed, standing up and walking to the kitchen door, 'if I did happen to meet a girl on the internet and we did hit it off... perhaps she and I would get married and then we would get our own place and I would finally grant dad's wish and move out!' Ollie said, raising his voice towards the end in order for his father to hear the conversation.

'LAPTOPS HIDDEN UPSTAIRS IN THE SPARE BEDROOM WARDROBE!' Sheldon's voice rang out and Oliver smiled and gave a thumbs up to his mother, who just shook her head in amazement.

'Mum, I still can't find my soccer boots!' Stephen said in annoyance. 'Just tell me where you put them.'

'I haven't put them anywhere... but check the shed just incase.' Penny grinned. She looked at her dysfunctional family and as annoying as they sometimes were, she wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. The Cooper family had been living in their current house for the past 12 years and Penny could still remember falling pregnant 3 months into hers and Sheldon's marriage. She was 25 when she gave birth to Oliver and it didn't seem so long ago that she and Sheldon had had their low key wedding. Things had definitely changed a lot since they had married; for one thing, Penny had taken a step back from acting and whilst she still did a few projects here and there, her main priority was being a mother to her kids. She was still recognised now and then for being the star of Broadway's "Frozen" but for now she liked her low key job of being an acting coach at the local community college. Penny smiled to herself as she looked at each of her kids. When Lilly had been born, both she and Sheldon decided to move out of apartment 4A and into a small house that was the perfect size to rear two children. They hadn't expected that she would fall pregnant again as Sheldon had had his mind set on only having two kids: naming them Oliver and Lilly. So naturally when she had fallen pregnant with Stephen, Sheldon had demanded that he be named after his idol Stephen Hawking; it also meant that they had to move again. And so they did - to their current house in Pasadena's more suburban areas. Penny looked at her family and smiled, proud that she had managed to produce such beautiful kids. 'Alright! Now Stevie, Lils... get your asses to school and Oliver... find a job or college to go to!'

'And how do I do that with out a computer?'

'Just do it.'

* * *

Penny looked at the cookbook she had in front of her. What she had been trying to produce from it most definitely was not going to plan. Tasting her cooking, it tasted vile and as a result she ripped the page out of the cook book. 'Didn't sound nice anyway.' she told herself.

'Hey mum.' Stephen smiled as he walked in.

'What is that?' Penny asked looking at the item he held in his hands.

'It's a rabbit.' Stephen smiled, placing the large cage on the island in the kitchen.

'Yes I can see that Stevie but what is it doing here?'

'Well I wanted a rabbit, so I bought a rabbit.' Stephen grinned.

'You didn't ask mine or your father's permission now did you? Besides you know Zazzles will go for it.'

'Mmm I'm rebelling and as for the cat... let's just say I'll keep Trixie, that's what I've called it, out of the way.'

'A rebel with a rabbit.' Penny raised an eyebrow.

'Well you told me to take more responsibility.'

'I say a lot of things. I told your father on his bachelor night that he looked good in his Flash Gordon costume. Now... take it back to the shop.'

'But... if you make me take it back, I'll never believe anything you say again!' Stephen said and Penny mentally cursed him for being the brainiest of her children. Stephen was definitely from Sheldon's end of the gene pool. 'I'll become aimless and remote and my school work _will_ suffer.'

'And he'll become like Oliver.' Lilly added, walking into the kitchen and grabbing an apple from the fruit bowl.

Penny twitched her nose and looked at the rabbit, 'Welcome to your new home. Just keep it away from the food and the cat Stevie.'

'Yeah... we don't want to kill it on it's first day.' Lilly laughed before muttering to Stevie, 'And I wasn't referring to the cat.' Stephen laughed at his sisters remark and high fived her.

A few hours later, the whole family par Sheldon was sitting at the dinner table, picking at their dinner. 'Lil stop admiring your reflection in your spoon. You're beautiful.' Penny sighed.

'Nah... keep trying to catch up on your beauty sleep and then that spoon will really work in your favour.' Oliver snickered, to which Lilly kicked him.

'Mum, what actually is this?' Stephen asked as he poked his meal with his fork.

'Toad in the Hole. A classic British dish that consists of putting sausages in a batter mix thing. I saw it on the TV and thought I'd give it a go.'

'I'm failing to see where the sausages are in this.' Stephen said, curling his lip up as he poken around some more.

'That's because I didn't have any sausages on hand to put in there,' Penny smirked.

'So it's just... hole?' Lilly grimaced.

Penny opened her mouth to respond but Sheldon's voice rang through, 'Hello,' he sighed, hanging his coat up on the back of the island chair. Penny looked at him and got up before shaking his hand.

'Good evening, my name is Penny Cooper and these are your children Lilly, Oliver and Stephen.'

'Hi.'

'Hi.'

'Hey.'

'Alright, alright... I know I'm late and I'm sorry. Lots of annoying people down at the labs today... oh and er don't ask me what sort of day I've had,' Sheldon paused, waiting for a response but upon receiving none, he continued, 'But I'm going to tell you anyway. In one word to sum it up: bloody awful.'

'That was two.' Oliver said.

'And I've got two for you.' Sheldon said, pointing an annoyed look at his eldest son, 'Dare I ask: is there any dinner for me?'

'That's six words.'

'It's on the kitchen counter Sheldon,' Penny said, taking a sip of wine. Sheldon nodded and walked over before stopping short when he saw the rabbit in it's cage.

'Er Penny... I think it needs to go in for a bit longer.' He called out.

'No that's Stevie's new pet. I can quite assure you that your dinner is cooked to perfection.' Penny called back and Sheldon sighed before picking up a plate and putting his dinner onto it and then going to join his family at the dinner table.

'Stephen can you put that rabbit away please... you're giving me the creeps.' Sheldon said as he struggled to eat his dinner. Stephen had taken the rabbit out and was stroking his head as he sat opposite his father whilst he ate. 'You remind me of some sort of Bond villain.'

'Have you noticed anything strange about that rabbit?' Oliver asked.

'Yes... it's been in my house from when Stephen came home from school and it hasn't asked me for money yet.' Sheldon said, eyeing the rabbit before deciding he couldn't stomach any more of Penny's mystery meat cooking.

'Nah dad... I swear he looks at me funny.'

'You should be used to that by now Ollie,' Lilly said, patting his head and walking away.

'I think he's evil.' Oliver looked at his father and Penny smiled to herself at the ridiculousness of their conversation.

'Your father isn't evil Oliver, just a bit weird perhaps.' She said before picking up the plates and clearing the table.

Sheldon got up and followed his wife into the kitchen before wrapping his arms around her waist and kissing her cheek. 'Despite my weirdness Penny, you know you'll never find a man who's more of a sucker for you than me.'

Penny smiled and turned around, placing her arms around his neck, 'And you know that you'll never find anyone else who will have you.' She grinned, accepting a deep kiss from her husband.

'Ewww! Get a room!' Lilly cried.

'Yeah, I think I'm gonna barf.' Stephen gagged. Penny rolled her eyes and kissed her husband again.

'Honey, let's go away for the weekend... you and I.'

'Where do you want to go?'

'Oh I don't know, somewhere nice and somewhere that will be meaningful.' Penny sighed happily.

'Well let's plan it tomorrow. I just want to have a nice night in with my wife and the mother of my kids tonight.' Sheldon said kissing her again. He was so lucky to have Penny as his wife. He could barely remember the man he used to be. It seemed like a distant memory now and he was grateful. He disliked what he used to be and his family, although they irritated him at times... he wouldn't give them up for anything. All he had to do now was find a place to take his wife for a romantic weekend away...

**So... first chapter of my sequel is done! So excited to write some funny dysfunctional story lines for the Cooper family! Let me know what you think and I'll update as soon as I can! xx**


	2. Chapter 2

'Mm what's that,' Sheldon almost gagged as he walked into the kitchen, 'delicious smell?'

'Tuna wellington... we ran out of beef.' Penny said as she stood by the stove cooking.

'Right... um anything I can do to help you my dear?'

'Ok... what's going on? What do I need to give you permission for?' Penny asked raising an eyebrow.

'Nothing...'

'If it's going to that week long sci fi convention with Leonard, Raj and Wolowitz then its a no. You're too old for that sort of thing now Sheldon. You've got me and your kids to look after.'

'Can I not ask my wife if I can help every now and then?'

'Yes you could, if you did it every now and then. Only problem is you only ask when you want something.' Penny smirked, 'so what are we doing with this weekend away?'

'Ooh... why don't you take mum to a spa?' Lilly said strolling in.

'Lilly, how many times must I tell you not to butt in or eavesdrop when your mother and I are having a conversation?'

'At least once more... can't guarantee I'll hear it but you know... still worth a shot.'

'Er that's enough of that sass young lady!' Sheldon said pointing his finger at her. Lilly rolled her big blue eyes and scraped her long blonde hair back into a pony tail.

'I'm only trying to help you out. If you take mum to a spa it will soothe and relax away then tensions that you will cause on the day. Plus it'll also leave mums feet feeling smooth and supple.' Lilly grinned cheekily and Sheldon glared at his daughter.

'Your mother has been married to me for nearly 20 years, I think she's used to any situations that I may accidentally cause.' he said through gritted teeth.

'No darling, you still have the strange ability to surprise me.' Penny laughed.

'Hey mum.'

'Evening mum.'

Penny turned to see her two boys enter the room. 'What are you two up to?'

'Nothing, we just wanted to see how everything is.' Oliver smiled.

'Yep and to see what your erm... cooking?' Stephen asked, pushing his glasses back.

'Aww, how sweet of you.' Penny said, walking over to hug her son, 'though Stevie, I really think we should book you in for a haircut. You're hair is getting so long nowerdays.' she said, ruffling her fingers through his long brown hair. 'And Ollie... what ever it is you two were up to, I advise you stop it this instant.' Penny smiled at her eldest son and he bent down to Stephen.

'I think she's onto us dude.' he whispered in his ear.

'Agreed.' Stephen whispered back.

'Right, back to our holiday. Where can we go Sheldon? I want to go somewhere nice.' Penny smiled.

'And amorous?' Oliver smirked, wiggling his eyebrows, quickly stopping when his mother shot him a look.

'Look, I'll just start making arrangements.'

'Penny, no... let me do it.'

'No, if I let you plan it then the whole thing will turn to a geeky weekend away.' Penny smiled, kissing her husbands nose.

'The best kind of weekend!'

'No! How about we go to that nice little bed and breakfast we stayed at on our honeymoon? You know, re connect with the past and all?' Penny smiled.

'What that small little place in the middle of nowhere.'

'It was good enough 20 years ago, it should still be good now. Besides, the middle of nowhere, just us Sheldon, what could be better?'

'I don't have a choice in this do I?'

'Nope, so I'm going to go and give them a call and then we'll be off for our romantic weekend away.' Penny smiled before walking out of the room. 10 minutes later she returned with a smile on her face. 'It's all booked Sheldon. Better start... NO my tuna casserole has burnt!' Penny cried suddenly noticing that black smoke was coming from the oven. 'Sheldon! Why didn't you turn it off?'

'Oh I'm sorry. I must have forgot.' Sheldon feigned his apology and secretly high-fived his daughter. 'Looks like we'll have to have something else.'

'Chinese Take away?' Lilly grinned and Penny sighed.

'Fine... but your father is paying.'

'But mum! You know how he got last time! I remember his words exactly: "You wanted Chinese take away, I ordered Chinese Keep Away." He wouldn't share a morsel of food!' Lilly sulked.

'Well I can't help it... I only ordered for myself and didn't think of you at all.' Sheldon grinned. However it was soon wiped off his face when Penny shot him a stern look.

'No sweetheart, _daddy_ is definitely going to buy everyone a Chinese tonight or I will extend an invitation for our weekend away to you and your brothers.'

'Fine!' Sheldon threw his hands up in the air and picked up the kitchen phone and the take away menu.

'Why is it that you always manage to get him to do stuff by involving the use of your children?' Lilly asked.

'Lils, your father loves you all very much but your father is your father and well, for some reason you make great leverage with him.' Penny kissed her daughters blonde head and proceeded to chuck the casserole in the bin.

* * *

'Lilly! Get out of the bathroom!' Sheldon yelled as he stood outside the bathroom door, 'What the hell are you doing in there?!'

'I'm flossing, just like you told me to do! You know so you can save money by not sending me to the dentist?' came Lilly's voice from behind the door.

'Well, recent tests have shown that not flossing your teeth comes in handy when YOU'RE INTRUDING ON YOUR FATHERS ALLOCATED BATHROOM TIME!' Sheldon banged his head against the door as Oliver approached him.

'Hello dad.'

'Oh no not you already. It's too early for my daily dose of you.' Sheldon sighed and Oliver shrugged before walking past his father and reaching out for the bathroom door.

'Mind if I...'

'Yes, I do actually.'

'Oh, is there a que?'

'Yes Oliver. That's why I'm standing here.'

'Tell you what, why don't you use your own bathroom?' Ollie said and Sheldon looked at his son as if to throttle him.

'You know very well why young man...'

'You know I can always take another look at it.' Oliver said, taking a step back.

'It was you taking a look at it that broke it in the first place! Is there anything still in this bloody house that still works when you've looked at it?' Sheldon sighed and Ollie shrugged.

'TV I suppose.'

'I believe that it is now a fact of life that my property plus broken always equals: Oliver.'

'Can I go in before you dad?' Ollie asked, trying to bypass his father again.

'No, no you most certainly cannot!'

'You know, the less you two talk, the quicker I come out!' Lilly called and both father and son looked at each other in confusion.

'And what does that mean?' Sheldon asked. Teenagers just seemed to boggle him completely.

'Sheldon, can I talk to you for a minute,' came the voice of Penny and Sheldon turned around to see his beautiful wife standing at the far end of the landing in her white silk dressing gown. Even in no make up and in her nightgown, she was still by far the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. But at the moment, he needed to use the bathroom and the shower and Penny seemed to be less important. 'Sheldon!'

'Can't it wait a minute Penny?'

'No, I need to talk to you.'

'Then talk!'

'In private honey.' Penny smiled, 'In our bedroom?' she added before walking back into their room. Sighing in annoyance, Sheldon walked away from the bathroom. No second had his back turned, Lilly walked out and Oliver went in.

'Lilly! Oliver!' Sheldon yelled before storming into the bedroom, 'What?!' he cried as Penny shut the door behind him.

'Look... Lilly's diary.'

'Lilly's diary? Where did you get that?'

'I found it.'

'You... found it? In what sense? Found as in you went looking for it by snooping through her personal possessions with a fine tooth comb?'

'No, found as in Fleming when he discovered penicillin. He was looking for something else... See being married to you for 19 and half years really has smartened me up.'

'Right, so er... what were you looking for then?'

'What was Fleming looking for? The point is I found it.' Penny smirked.

'Eureka... now put it back before Lilly finds out and we are both skinned alive. You don't want her to think that you've rea... you've read it haven't you.' Sheldon sighed as the look on Penny's face gave it away.

'Yes I did and it's... its horrible!'

'Why, what does it say?'

'She says... Mum doesn't trust me.'

'And?' Sheldon said in disbelief, not quite believing that he missed going to the bathroom because this was what his wife wanted to talk to him about.

'Isn't that enough?'

'Well you don't trust her do you... you read her diary!'

'The point is Sheldon is that she's noticed. And if she has noticed, how can we have the honest and open relationship with the free flow of confidence between mother and daughter?'

'Why on earth would you want that? That's like trying to say you want to be part of the Borg collective!'

'So I know what she's up to ofcourse!'

'Well... what is she up to then?' Sheldon asked, not really wanting to know the answer out of fear that his little girl was growing up. Penny sat down and looked at her husband.

'I can't tell you that... it's private.'

'Well does she...' Sheldon trailed off, moving about awkwardly.

'Does she what?'

'Nevermind... what does she say about me?'

'Nothing.'

'Ha! I find that difficult to believe Penny. I'm probably one of the most awkward human beings in the sentient world. I find it very difficult to believe that my name has not cropped up in that diary! Plus I'm also her father!'

'Well have a look then!' Penny held out the diary for Sheldon to take but he shook his head in fear.

'No, I'm not getting involved.' Sheldon then walked out and retried visiting the bathroom, hoping that Oliver had left. Twisting the doorknob, he was disappointed to find that it was locked, 'Oliver, OLIVER!'

Suddenly the door opened, 'Um dad... I'd leave it for a couple of minutes if I were you.'

'Why?!' Sheldon cried in exasperation and almost dreading the answer he would receive.

'Because I'm next!' Stephen cried, darting past Sheldon and into the bathroom at the same time as Ollie ran out.

'Stephen!' Sheldon banged on the door in despair. 'That's it, you're all grounded for a month!' All of a sudden, he couldn't wait to go on this weekend away with Penny now.

* * *

An hour or so later, Lilly approached her mother and father. Both Sheldon and Penny looked at each other as if to know that something was up.

'Alright Lils, what do you want?' Penny asked, 'And if it's a water bra again you can already predict my answer.'

'No, I was just gonna say... well you know how I got that A in Spanish?'

'You got an A?' Sheldon said, 'I'd expect no less of my children, but then again sometime I wonder if you and Ollie are mine. Stevie is the only one who seems to get consistant grades... OW!' Sheldon cried as Penny elbowed him.

'What your father means to say honey is congratulations.'

'Right, whatever... well you know how I got that A in Spanish... I was wondering... could I have a party to celebrate?'

'Why do you want to celebrate getting an A?'

'Cause dad... we're not all geniuses like you and Steve!' Lilly cried.

'So that's how it works now? A for acceptable grades, P for party and oh how about N for no?' Sheldon said, turning the page of his book on new particle chain reactions.

'Of course you can have a party dear.' Penny smiled.

'Should I use my cloak of invisibility for good or evil.' Sheldon murmured to himself.

'I heard that!'

'Well, that's a first. No one ever really listens to me in this house.'

'Well from what I recall when we were younger and before the kids came along we used to always listen to you and follow your demanding regimes Shelly. It's about time you repaid the favour.' Penny smiled, sticking her tongue out at her husband. 'How about this Saturday, when your father and I go away for the weekend?'

'Penny... are you mad?'

'You mean to say that you're going to let me have a party whilst you and dad are away?' Lilly said, quite shocked. Her father's reaction was what she had expected but her mothers was something else!

'Well why not. After all you won't want your mother and father lying about and ruining the scene for you youngsters... even though I was quite the party chick when I was your age.' Penny smiled.

'Hello? Do I exist at all?' Sheldon asked, once again finding himself ignored.

'What sort of party is it going to be Lil?'

'I'll tell you what sort of party it's going to be Penny: ear splitting music, stains on the carper, urinating in my shrubberies, groping in the bedrooms and a bunch of illegally alcohol induced teenagers. Id rather it be a non existent party!'

'Don't worry dad,' Oliver smiled, opening up a can of beer, 'I'll look after them and you know, keep an eye on everything.'

'Ha! Like you're invited!' Lilly laughed, sitting down next to Ollie and filing her nails.

'I know lots of boys.' Ollie smirked and Lilly grinned at him.

'I think you're old enough to supervise.'

'He's not old enough to drink, let alone supervise!' Sheldon cried, taking the beer off his son. 'No. I'm putting my foot down here, no, no, no, no, NO!'

'Well I'll be there as well dad and I think we know that I'm the most sensible of the lot. Far wiser than my years.' Stephen smiled.

'You're 12 years old Stevie!'

'Er... your staying at Rusty's.' Lilly snorted.

'I don't like Rusty... he's weird and certainly not my friend.'

'Well start liking him then... otherwise I'll tell all the kids in your class that you still wet the bed.'

'But I don't...'

'Yeah, I know that and you know that but who are they going to believe?'

'Fine, well I'll just have to put your passport photo on the internet.' Stephen smiled, getting up to leave the room.

'Stephen!' Lilly cried in horror.

'So that's agreed.' Penny smiled.

'No, no its not agreed. I'm sorry but I'm not happy about this. I've said my piece and you all know how I feel. If you want this party then fine go ahead but as you do it just trample over the tattered remnants of my dignity.' Sheldon said, hoping to evoke some sort of emotional response from his family.

'Thanks dad!' Lilly squealed before running off to her room whilst Oliver got up and kissed his father's cheek.

'To have your trust is just amazing father.' he grinned before taking the beer back off Sheldon, after which he too ran off after Lilly. Penny smiled and brushed Sheldon's cheek with her index finger before kissing him softly on the lips. Sheldon smiled at his wife before shaking his head.

'No. Still not happy.'

**Thanks for the few reviews I received on the last chapter. Let me know what you think of this one guys! Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did writing it. The party is up next so wonder what shenanigans Sheldon is going to find himself in with his kids this time! Would love to hear some of your ideas!**

**Xxchompchompchompxx**


	3. Chapter 3

Both Sheldon and Penny sat in silence in their car as Penny drove down through the streets of Pasadena. This was not a good start to their romantic weekend getaway . 'We made our decision Sheldon, just relax and enjoy our break away from the kids.'

'_You_ made our decision Penny.'

'And I'm happy with it.'

'Good... well as long as your happy that our teenage daughter and her friends are home alone in our house with a bunch of spotty testosterone fuelled boys and of which both parties will likely ... good.'

'Sheldon, for once could you not just suffer in silence? I need to show Lilly that I trust her and I trust that she won't leave a mess for me to clean up when I get back. Try lying to yourself Sheldon, it'll make you feel happier about the situation.'

'Oh so when you said you were happy you were lying to yourself were you?'

'No, I was lying to you.'

'I knew I should have kept that manual that Wolowitz gave me when I married you. It would have told me exactly what to do if a situation like this ever occurred.' Sheldon sighed, looking out the window.

'Shelly relax... Mrs Jackson has my cell number and I told her to give me a ring should the need arise for it. Lilly is nearly 17 years old, it's time we gave her a little responsibility. We've done all we can, we might as well enjoy the evening.'

'Ha!' Sheldon chuckled to himself, 'And you believe that?'

'Of course not! I'm lying!' Penny cried and this time it was Sheldon's turn to roll his eyes.

'Oh God, this is going to be a long weekend away.'

'Stop your moaning Sheldon, look... there's an off license there. Pop in and get a couple of bottles of wine for us to enjoy. The hotel will probably charge an extortionate amount if we order one there.' Penny said, pulling over and parking outside the small off license.

'Well considering your mood, I think we'd better get a crate.' Sheldon murmured under his breath, to which he got a sharp glare from Penny, 'keep your eyes on the road darling,' he added with a grin before getting out the car and running into the shop. After a good ten minutes of browsing, Sheldon brought up two bottles of wine and some Kool-Aid to the counter.

'Anything else I can get for you tonight?' the young cashier asked.

'No that's it thank you.' Sheldon said handing over the money when suddenly a bunch of young men came into the store.

'Yo James, you coming out tonight... there's a sic party going on down at some girls place down town, you in?'

'Dude I'm working tonight,'

'Aww come on dude, end it early. Some girl has been given the run about of her house by her parents. It's gonna be totally wild!'

'Ha! What a bunch of idiots. They're house is gonna get trashed by every drunken youth in the nearest 300 miles!' the cashier laughed, oblivious to Sheldon's look of horror as he just stood watching the youths, unaware that he had been given his change already.

'So you in man?'

'Yeah! Hey... we'd better get there early... you know just so there's something left to trash!'

Upon hearing that, Sheldon snapped back to reality and rushed out through the door.

'Penny, drive home now! Those two boys in there are going to trash MY house!'

'What?'

'Penny, just drive home now! I'll explain on the way. Drive faster!' Sheldon cried before proceeding to explain to Penny what he had just over heard.

'Sheldon, there's hundreds of party's probably going on near where we live on a Saturday night. It;s not going to be our house they turn up to.' Penny sighed and Sheldon shook his head.

'No I can feel it. I mean the guy said the parents were obviously idiots. I just want a quick look around... that's all Penny. Just a quick check.'

'And what if Lilly sees us? Then she'll definitely think I don't trust her!'

'Then we'll tell her that we've forgotten something, you know like my vintage comic book that I take everywhere.'

'But I saw you pack that.'

'I know that I did and you know that I did, but does Lil? Exactly. Cover story! Penny's its our house, they're our children, why shouldn't we come back?'

'And spy on them?'

'Yes, I mean no! Look, let's just be open about it, it'll show that we care and that we have integrity and honesty and the will to build a trusting relationship and...'

'Best if we park around the corner?'

'Yes, I agree with that statement Penny.'

* * *

Penny and Sheldon stood outside their front door, ears pressed against it.

'Sheldon... I can't hear anything. Can you?'

'No...'

'That's good right?'

'No... that's bad. There's no music, so they're not dancing. So if they're not dancing... then what are they doing?' Sheldon said, his voice lowering with hints.

'Sheldon! Lil is still a minor... she wouldn't! What if they're conducting a Satanic ritual?'

'I hadn't thought of that.' Sheldon said before moving to put his key in the door.

'Sheldon! Are you insane?'

'Oh come on! Just one look...Come on, don't fight it. This could be your only chance to find out what your kids get up to when you're not there. What's the harm in one little look? You know you want to...'

'I hate how persuasive you are with words Shelly.' Penny growled before opening the front door. 'Strange... No Lilly, no Ollie and no Stevie? If they aren't here, where are they? Oh I know... the pub.' Penny smiled at the same time as Sheldon stated:

'The bedrooms.' and with that, Sheldon quickly made his way upstairs.

'Sheldon! Come back! We've got to go before Lilly gets back with all her friends!' Penny cried, jumping when the door opened to reveal her children and all their friends. Running quickly up the stairs after Sheldon, she threw them both in their bedroom and slammed the door shut. 'Happy now Sheldon? Now we're stuck here!'

'Hey, look we're still alone and we're together... in our bedroom. And it's nice and quiet.' Sheldon smiled, only to have it cut short when the sudden boom of extremely loud music came drumming through the floor. 'Well, we've still got wine and Kool-Aid.'

'Hmmm, well I suppose we'd better make the best of things.' Penny sighed before turning to look at her husband with a grin on her face, 'Things are turning out just as you predicted honey... ear splitting music, stains on the carpet and what was next again?' Penny asked, leaning back and biting her lip as she spoke, 'Ah yes... groping in the bedroom,' she said seductively, slipping off her cardigan to reveal her bare shoulders.

'Mmm yes, I do believe that's the best bit.' Sheldon grinned as both of them leapt onto the bed and under the covers. 'Now come here...' Sheldon said leaning in for a kiss.

'Quick someone's coming!' Penny cried, pulling the duvet over both of them.

'Hey everyone, just plonk your coats and bags in here.' came Stephen's voice and suddenly both Sheldon and Penny felt the weight of coats on their bodies. Stephen looked on at one of the girls in the room, 'And er you... you can put your stuff in my room if you want.' he grinned.

'Er in you dreams, as if I'd put my stuff on someone who still wets the beds bed. Plus... you and I? Never gonna happen.' the girl scoffed before walking out.

'LILLY!' Stephen cried before running out aswell. As soon as the door had shut, both Penny and Sheldon resurfaced. As Sheldon made to move one of the coats, a small box fell out onto his face.

'Oh look, technology today... makes things so small that they fall out your pocket easily. That's why things go missing. I'm sure the owner of this coat won't want to lose his...' Sheldon looked down at the product, 'Strawberry flavoured... oh... well I guess kids do come prepared nowadays.' Sheldon said, trailing off as he realised he was holding a box of condoms.

'Well that's good, they're being sensible when it comes to safe sex.' Penny grinned.

'Not really, because he's left his condoms here when he should have taken them with him.' Sheldon chuckled to himself before popping them on the side and moving over to kiss his wife.

'Quick under!' Penny hissed as the door opened and once again she and Sheldon were under the sheets. 'I feel like a naughty teenager who's afraid of getting caught.' Penny giggled in a whisper.

'Come on Kevin,' a female voice could be heard.

'It's Dave actually.'

'Yeah whatever,' the female said before both Sheldon and Penny heard kissing noises and the bed dip. Sheldon screwed his face shut in horror as Penny stifled a giggle.

'Hey! What do you think you two are doing?!' Lilly's voice suddenly cut through the air.

'That's my girl.' Penny whispered with a smile.

'Er.. what does it look like we're doing?'

'Get out Emily! This is my parents room! You'll probably break the bed... no one's had sex in it for years!' Lilly cried. Penny gasped and threw back the covers to yell at her daughter when all of a sudden Sheldon pulled her back under. Thankfully Lilly didn't see her mother but as soon as the door closed, Penny broke free of the sheets.

'No sex in this bed for years? Years! Who does our daughter think I am? Mother Theresa? I'm Penny, goddess of sex!'

'Yes. Thank you for that information Penny.' Sheldon sighed, suddenly having the urge to use the bathroom, 'Oh bugger, I really need to use the bathroom.'

Penny blinked at Sheldon as his words sunk in, 'Sheldon you can't! Our bathroom is broken and you can't use the one across the hall... Lilly might see you!' Sheldon opened his mouth, 'And no you can't use the sink! I will not have you pissing in our sink!'

'Why did our bloody son have to break the bloody bathroom!'

'Sheldon, it's 11 now, the party will be over by 3... that's only around 4 hours to go... you can hold it.' Penny smiled. Suddenly her phone rang and sighing she picked it up.

'Hello... oh hello Mrs Jackson. Yes. Yes.. Oh is the music too loud? I'll tell her to turn it down.' Penny smiled, 'What? There's a man urinating out of the wind...ow.' Penny looked on in horror as her husband stood there relieving himself, a far cry from what he would have done 20 years ago. 'SHELDON!' she cried running over and slamming the window shut.

'AHHHH!' he cried out in pain. 'You can't just stop me while I'm doing it.'

'Yes I can!'

'No you can't. I have to use the bathroom and if I can't use the window then I shall use the god damn bathroom across the hall!' he cried, running out of the bedroom and across towards the bathroom. As he walked past, he saw a couple of teenagers kissing in the corner. Shrugging, he slipped the box of condoms in the pocket of the teenager and turned around for another strange friend of Lilly's who threw up on him.

'Ugh, just great... that is truly disgusting.' Sheldon grimaced as he stripped himself of his clothes in the bathroom. Thank god he was now able to have a shower in his own bathroom and get rid of this horrid stench that had engulfed his clothes. The door was locked and he was finally in peace... until the doorknob shook.

_'Hello? Is anyone in there?'_ a female's voice called. Scrunching his eyes shut in annoyance, he got in the tub and pulled the shower curtain across to it his his naked body. _'Lilly, the bathroom door is locked and I don't think there's anyone in there.' _

_'Ahh that's the third time this evening, don't worry Sacha... I'll show you a trick to unlock it.' _Sheldon heard Lilly say and then came the dreaded click noise as the door unlocked.

'Cheers babe.' Sacha said, walking in with another friend, 'So you pulled tonight Emily?'

'Yeah, that Kevin dude or was his name Dave? One or the other. I think he twisted my bra strap though... would you mind having a look?'

'yeah sure,' Sheldon just shut his eyes in horror. This was so not the place he wanted to be in right now... why did he have to check the bedrooms? 'When will boys learn... opening a bra is not the same as opening a can of lager!'

'Are there any towels in here?'

'I don't know.'

A look of dread formed on Sheldon's face as he realised that the shower curtain was covering the towel cupboard and that dreaded moment came when he saw the shadow of a girl reaching forward to move the curtain. Thinking quickly he quietly lay down on the floor of the bath and breathed a silent sigh of relief when she didn't see him. As soon as her back was turned, Sheldon quickly pulled the shower curtain back over to cover him and he leant up against the bath, holding his head in his hands as yet more girls entered the room. This was turning out to be the worst holiday ever, especially since Lilly was with them!

'Hey girls... have you seen Simon's piercing?' Lilly laughed.

'He has a piercing? Where?'

'Down... there? You know,'

'What! Why on earth would he get it there?'

'So you can find it,' Lilly laughed and Sheldon could not believe what he was having to listen in on.

'Er Lil... I can't find any soap.' Sacha said and Lilly took a swig out of her bottle.

'Oh it's over by the bath, hang on...' Lilly wondered over to the bath and reached over, picking it up. Sheldon suddenly believed that there was a god when his daughter didn't see him sitting stark naked in the bath.

'Does anyone mind if I use the toilet?' One of the girls said and Sheldon decided that there and now was the exact moment he wanted to kill himself.

When all the girls finally left the bathroom, Sheldon was ecstatic. That had been the worst 10 minutes of his life. Or should he say so far as another person had just walked into the room and locked the bathroom door. He heard this person pulling open the top of the toilet. For what reason, he didn't know but he sure didn't want to know.

'Bingo!' he chuckled to himself. He was a bloke. Sheldon pulled a face and pulled back the shower curtain to see Oliver sitting on the toilet and lighting up a cigarette.

'Oliver!' Sheldon hissed and his son turned to look at him, dragging on his cigarette.

'Oh hi dad.'

'Oliver I need you help.'

'Pardon.'

'I need your help.'

'Sorry one more time please Dad... this music's getting to my hearing,' Ollie grinned.

'Oh for Gods sake Oliver!'

'Sorry dad, I was enjoying that.'

'Lilly has taken all my clothes and then all her girl friends came in and you know...'

'Dad,' Oliver said, cutting his father off, 'we've all been there.'

'Just get me a towel Ollie,' Sheldon said and when Ollie passed him a hand towel he gave his son the most evil look he could, 'Are you doing this deliberately?'

'Yup.'

'Just get me a proper one!' Sheldon said. Once he had been handed a towel, he wrapped it around his body which almost restored a shred of his dignity, 'Now, I need you to escort me back to my bedroom with Lilly seeing me.'

'Alright, but what's in it for me?'

'Oliver... a life is at stake here!'

'Yeah, who's?'

'YOURS! Besides... why the hell are you smoking a cigarette! I didn't raise you to be like that!'

'Hey, don't lecture me now dad... remember I've got to get you back to your room with out Lilly seeing.'

'Ugh fine, but we will have a talk young man!'

Suddenly a rapping sound came from the door. '_Ollie hurry up! Kevin's out here! I need to get him in the bathroom before he's sick!'_

'Again? That boy is a bottomless pit!' Sheldon cried, shocked.

'Just a minute... aren't you supposed to be on holiday?' Oliver said and Sheldon shook his head in despair. Oliver smirked and opened up the window, 'Alright dad, what you do if you climb out the window. Shimmy up the drain pipe and that will give you a firm grip on the guttering above. Slide, slide, slide, slide, slide, swing your legs across and there you are at your bedroom.'

Sheldon blinked at his son, 'What? Are you sure that's tobacco your smoking?' He didn't really notice that Oliver neglected to answer his question, he just wanted to get out.

'Well it always works for me.'

_'Ollie! Open up I have to come in!'_

'Dad trust me!'

'Alright, alright!' Sheldon sighed, climbing through the window, 'But give me a boost.'

_'Ollie, I'm serious! Open up or I'll let him barf in your room!'_

'Just a minute Lil!' Oliver cried, giving his dad a boost.

'No Ol, you're gonna have to pull me back. I can't do this... your mother is the agile body in this family, not I!'

'Dad, I've got you, I've got you!' Ollie said and he tried to give Sheldon another boost, only to trip backwards and find himself holding the towel that had been wrapped around his father only moments before. 'Ohh... I'm so grounded.' He murmured as he watched his fathers legs dangle in front of him at the same time as Lilly busted the door open.

'Ollie what the hell are... you... doing.' Lilly trailed off as she followed her brother's gaze, 'Oh my god... is that... Dad?' She cried in horror. 'Oh my God, no this is not happening!' She exclaimed, running out of the bathroom.

'Er... son... would you mind explaining how I get to my room again?'

**Haha thanks for your reviews guys, they really motivate me! Hope you enjoyed this chapter and I'll be posting the next one soon! Let me know what you think!  
**

**xxchompchompchompxx**


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